I am not especially fond of water parks. Shocking, I know. Something about the combination of fluorescent plastic, screaming children, and other people’s abandoned Band-Aids does nothing for me. I don’t even like my own pee, much less anyone else’s. I much prefer to cool off in my backyard with a sprinkler, but there was a family function that I couldn’t miss and it happened to take place in a one of those glorified cement ponds. For anyone else who is unlucky enough to get stuck in a water park, here’s my contingency plan for you.
 
Top Ten Ways to Survive a Water Park
 
10) Drive your own car. Carpools are great, but not when they cause you to be held hostage somewhere you can’t stand.
 
9) Bring a change of clothes and some travel shampoo/conditioner. Nothing’s worse than marinating in chlorine in a hot car.
 
8) Treat yourself to a Sham-wow towel. The super-absorbency will keep you from dripping all over the place, and you can kill time wondering where it puts all that water. Plus you can reenact the infomercial in your head to amuse yourself.
 
7) Pretend that every time a child screams for more than 3 seconds, you earn a dollar.
 
6) Whenever a kid runs past and drips all over you, start yelling “I’m melting! Me-e-e-lting!”

5) Avoid it altogether by telling your friend you have “an ear infection” while winking really big. Girls know.
 
4) Relish the ability to have guilt-free pizza and hot dogs. It’s not like they’re serving any salads.
 
3) SPF 75, bare minimum. I don’t want to take home a sunburn as a souvenir.
 
2) Recite morbid facts about contagious diseases. No one will argue when you say you have to head home early.
 
1) If you must (for whatever reason) go into the water, imagine that you’re floating down a lazy river of vino. Ahhhhh. Then as soon as you get out, rinse off as fast as you can. Ewwwww.


Anyone have any good summer-themed tips? (Smart-ass answers only)